Miscellaneous Jokes

[Shadowman]

A woman goes to the Doctor, worried about her husband's temper.
The Doctor asks: "What's the problem?"
The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason. It scares me."
The Doctor says: "I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he either leaves the room or calms down."
Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.
The woman says: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband started losing it, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and he calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?"
The Doctor says: "The water itself does nothing. It's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick."

 

[Axel Slingerland]

After the birth of their 9th child, a Redneck couple decided they'd had enough because they couldn’t afford a larger bed. Seeing how they lived in the remote hills of Alabama, and they weren't any Doctors around there, the Redneck went to the Veterinarian and told him "Me'n muh cousin don't want no more kids."

The Vet told him he could get a vasectomy, but it was expensive. "There is a cheaper option," said the Vet. "Go home, find yourself a cherry bomb, light it up and put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10."

"I ain't no smart feller," said the Redneck, "but how's that gonna help me?"

"Trust me..." said the Vet.

So the Redneck went home, drained a beer then stuffed a lit cherry bomb in the empty can. He brought it up to his ear and began to count on his fingers:

"1… 2… 3… 4… 5…"

Once he got to five, he stopped for a second, put the can between his legs, and resumed the count on his other hand.

 

[Shadowman]

God said, "Adam, I want you to do something for Me."
Adam said, "Gladly, Lord, what do You want me to do?"
God said, "Go down into that valley."
Adam said, "What's a valley?"
God explained it to him.
Then God said, "Cross the river.
Adam said, "What's a river?
God explained that to him, and then said, "Go over to the hill...."
Adam said, "What is a hill?"
So, God explained to Adam what a hill was. He told Adam, "On the other side of the hill you will find a cave."
Adam said, 'What's a cave?'
After God explained, He said, "In the cave you will find a woman."
Adam said, "What's a woman?' So God explained that to him, too.
Then, God said, 'I want you to reproduce."
Adam said, "How do I do that?"
God first said (under His breath), "Geez....."
And then, just like everything else, God explained that to Adam, as well.
So, Adam goes down into the valley, across the river, and over the hill, into the cave, and finds the woman. Then, in about five minutes, he was back.
God, His patience wearing thin, said angrily, "What is it now?"
And Adam said....What's a headache?"

 

[Sheryl]

After the birth of their 9th child, a Redneck couple decided they'd had enough because they couldn’t afford a larger bed. Seeing how they lived in the remote hills of Alabama, and they weren't any Doctors around there, the Redneck went to the Veterinarian and told him "Me'n muh cousin don't want no more kids."

The Vet told him he could get a vasectomy, but it was expensive. "There is a cheaper option," said the Vet. "Go home, find yourself a cherry bomb, light it up and put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10."

"I ain't no smart feller," said the Redneck, "but how's that gonna help me?"

"Trust me..." said the Vet.

So the Redneck went home, drained a beer then stuffed a lit cherry bomb in the empty can. He brought it up to his ear and began to count on his fingers:

"1… 2… 3… 4… 5…"

Once he got to five, he stopped for a second, put the can between his legs, and resumed the count on his other hand.

On behalf of rednecks everywhere, I represent that.

 

[Sheryl]